Blue October

Is it kind of hard to give directions to someone who is clueless as to the destination? Yes, that someone is me, who am frozen with the direction and meaning of life.

Now I really am at a point where I deeply ponder the meaning of life and wonder what it is all about. Am I alone or is there someone out there who also stopped at the same intersection. Don’t get me wrong. I love my life and I love the world but somewhere somewhat somehow I do feel a sense of awe over the stunning beauty of life and nature.

Should one follow the heart or the mind? Sometimes there is this desire to follow the whisper of inner voice heard in the moment of stillness and quiet. I sure am confused whether this comes from the heart or mind.

You could say I am lost or tipsy in sensing the meaning and purpose in life but I definitely am sober enough to know I live day by day in total blueness and unhappiness - so incomplete, so unsatisfying, so unfulfilling, so unrewarding, so out of alignment.

Life is supposed to be exciting and open to discover and finding things that one wasn’t expecting but my feeling for life is like as if its wedged in chapters of an endless dull book. Call me granny as I no longer maintain that youthful enthusiasm for the different. Perhaps that is what made my life so dull and so unexciting. Perhaps not, perhaps I am using too much of today whining about now and the past and not longing towards the future. Perhaps I should consider my life, the one I have today, the one I am living this moment, and ask myself what is it that I really want.

Can someone help me see the light? I want to follow my heart without losing my mind.

The vanishing life

The conscience has shown and the sweet breeze has blown but where have all the hopes gone. I wonder if hope still lingers on. Sitting alone I don’t know why. All the talks I have been listening, all the words I have been reading and the roads I have been walking. I thought I have found the road to somewhere but it seems like it’s the road to no where.

I walk up on high and step to the edge to see the world below. I frown to see all the years roll down and watched my life goes by. Heart full of pain, head full of thorns and a hole in my soul. Space-less to even walk outside my mind.

When night falls, eyes won’t shut, feeling alive because bitterness and hatred is too strong. Piercing every thought together and finding the words to feel better. I want to heal and I hope it is never real. I cried out god help me.

Life is unfair like a punishment that does not seem to fit the crime. Only if life is like a novel where I could rewrite an ending that fits.

I am just another god created human wanting a happy mediocre life.

Untitled

Things will never be like they were. I will never live in the shoes I used to walk in. Things do not have the same old feeling and words do not have the same old meaning anymore.
This one year has been the hardest of life, weighed down by unhappiness and everything just shivered grey. Sometimes it even hurts to breath.
But I have no regrets with the path i chose.
After all, it’s the experiences that brushed my life and the knowledge I have gained.

I have my lessons learned and I have grown a slightly wiser.
My mind has probed to the extent that I am aware of what I see, what I feel, and what I think.
I have witnessed with my own pair of bare eyes the true colours of people.
The world is cold and phases in life continue.

Hate Loathe Detest

Hate is a strong word but it is the best word to describe my feeling towards her. Her scream is burning my pride and bleeding my brain. I block her scream so I do not lose my mind. But she slowly crawls in my dreams every night just to give me nightmares. She leaves me nothing but fear. Hate her for the things she ask me to do, the way she talks sarcastically and especially the way she yells at me. I can no longer swallow not one bit of her instruction. Hate her today. Hate her tomorrow. Hate her forever unless she changes her entire attitude. Do not smile at me just to put it on my face. Fucken fake piece of shyte. She gives me nothing but anger and tipsiness. An ounce of peace and space is what I want from her. Go away. Leave me. I hate her. One fucken mad day, I am so waving bye to her. The day will come.

Gone with the wind

It was a breezy and cooling late a.m., the crisp clean exquisite air of JB. It felt like Melbourne and I felt freedom and happiness, the long lost feeling that I have not felt in a long, long time. I wish I could grasp the feeling, hold it and bring it with me. But it was temporary. I knew right away it was the feeling that I could never get back. It has already long gone with the wind. I wish I was gone too. But why am I still here when life is so empty. People in the crowded street are cleared away one by one but me, me who still stand alone on this lonely and isolated street. Is it obvious that I am the only one left behind. I see people changed, progressed and are moving forward in their lives. Faith and destiny have found them but me. I want to move forward too myself, just not knowing where to - directionless. I was too naïve to always think that time will never change and things will always be the same. Foolish was I. Whenever I am at the turning point, I never hit through and ended up in circles. Days go by too fast and I feel that my life is being pushed and fast forwarded with no fulfillment. I want to break free and I so want to break through year two thousand and nine, the year of emptiness, bad luck, disgust and vagueness. Not one bit is mesmerizing and worth recalling. I say no thanks and yes goodbye.

Unsecured and Feared

Yeah, my exact emotions - feeling unsecured and scared. No one is showing any sign of supportiveness on the decisions i am trying to take and here i am sitting on the clouded issues, the accumulated issues that pisses me off me so much, that is making me scared and uncertain of life. I really do not want to collect anger and carry to another day. I have tried my best to put it all together but it did not really last and no matter how much i get in touched with my inner self and chanting the word OM does not fucken work. Perhaps, i should hit the plane to tibet to attain inner peace from the dalai lama. But someone said to me that i need to see a psychiatrist instead :O wtf. I may sound like some problem maniac kid or a nutcase but the fact is that i feel mentally raped and i know what i am going and battling through. Even though i wear a big smile everyday, i feel apart, so inadequate, so weak, so defenseless. Perhaps i should weep away the unwanted feelings though i live in constant fear and making choices that is not mine. I feel like i am living in the shadow, living someone elses dream, someone elses life. When is the right to take control and stop letting fear control my life and how do i stop being so fearful on taking decision. Maybe i need to trust myself more and be confident that i will get through things and need not worry so much. But....but..where the hell do i even begin with.

Dark Clouds Overcast

I am trying to find myself. The me that is now buried deep under. The me that is now surrounded and overcasted by dark clouds. Every move i make and every step i take, dark clouds follow. Clouds of confussion and despair. A constant battle that i endure almost everyday though some days are more manageable than others.

I am now looking out the windows and all i could see is sky filled with dark clouds. I wish i could look through the thickness of the clouds but everything seem so gloomy, so ambiguous, so uncertain. I wish they would deminish and cease forever. I wonder if this is only the beginning. Will there be lightning and thunders or even rain. Is that the stage where life hits crisis. I am feeling confused and lost. When will the sun ever going to shine. My mind gist for a brighter day.

One said life is a journey and not a destination. And here i am lying on my bed, writing down the feelings and thoughts that highlight one bit of my dark journey. But these are not meant to be negative, but to push myself through and make a stonger me. Only those who suffer from it knows that struggle. I believe in all fairness and justice AND there will be sunshine in my days.

As for now, i need to get behind, rewind and playback myself to find out where the hell have i been all these while. Bring back my life!! I want to feel ready to greet a new day.