Gone with the wind

It was a breezy and cooling late a.m., the crisp clean exquisite air of JB. It felt like Melbourne and I felt freedom and happiness, the long lost feeling that I have not felt in a long, long time. I wish I could grasp the feeling, hold it and bring it with me. But it was temporary. I knew right away it was the feeling that I could never get back. It has already long gone with the wind. I wish I was gone too. But why am I still here when life is so empty. People in the crowded street are cleared away one by one but me, me who still stand alone on this lonely and isolated street. Is it obvious that I am the only one left behind. I see people changed, progressed and are moving forward in their lives. Faith and destiny have found them but me. I want to move forward too myself, just not knowing where to - directionless. I was too naïve to always think that time will never change and things will always be the same. Foolish was I. Whenever I am at the turning point, I never hit through and ended up in circles. Days go by too fast and I feel that my life is being pushed and fast forwarded with no fulfillment. I want to break free and I so want to break through year two thousand and nine, the year of emptiness, bad luck, disgust and vagueness. Not one bit is mesmerizing and worth recalling. I say no thanks and yes goodbye.

Unsecured and Feared

Yeah, my exact emotions - feeling unsecured and scared. No one is showing any sign of supportiveness on the decisions i am trying to take and here i am sitting on the clouded issues, the accumulated issues that pisses me off me so much, that is making me scared and uncertain of life. I really do not want to collect anger and carry to another day. I have tried my best to put it all together but it did not really last and no matter how much i get in touched with my inner self and chanting the word OM does not fucken work. Perhaps, i should hit the plane to tibet to attain inner peace from the dalai lama. But someone said to me that i need to see a psychiatrist instead :O wtf. I may sound like some problem maniac kid or a nutcase but the fact is that i feel mentally raped and i know what i am going and battling through. Even though i wear a big smile everyday, i feel apart, so inadequate, so weak, so defenseless. Perhaps i should weep away the unwanted feelings though i live in constant fear and making choices that is not mine. I feel like i am living in the shadow, living someone elses dream, someone elses life. When is the right to take control and stop letting fear control my life and how do i stop being so fearful on taking decision. Maybe i need to trust myself more and be confident that i will get through things and need not worry so much. But....but..where the hell do i even begin with.

Dark Clouds Overcast

I am trying to find myself. The me that is now buried deep under. The me that is now surrounded and overcasted by dark clouds. Every move i make and every step i take, dark clouds follow. Clouds of confussion and despair. A constant battle that i endure almost everyday though some days are more manageable than others.

I am now looking out the windows and all i could see is sky filled with dark clouds. I wish i could look through the thickness of the clouds but everything seem so gloomy, so ambiguous, so uncertain. I wish they would deminish and cease forever. I wonder if this is only the beginning. Will there be lightning and thunders or even rain. Is that the stage where life hits crisis. I am feeling confused and lost. When will the sun ever going to shine. My mind gist for a brighter day.

One said life is a journey and not a destination. And here i am lying on my bed, writing down the feelings and thoughts that highlight one bit of my dark journey. But these are not meant to be negative, but to push myself through and make a stonger me. Only those who suffer from it knows that struggle. I believe in all fairness and justice AND there will be sunshine in my days.

As for now, i need to get behind, rewind and playback myself to find out where the hell have i been all these while. Bring back my life!! I want to feel ready to greet a new day.

Sympathyless

Well, some said drama, some said immune, worst i heard was confession of a broken life and of a teenage drama queen. All of these triggered my shockness. Though i do not speak with eloquence, i hope the words i put down here are. I am not whining and i hope no one is drowning in my whine. I blame no one but myself for the things i am battling through. I guess it is normal because i believe there is a touch of grey for every shade of blue.

No sympathy. What a shame. What a dissapointment. Same old story. Same old drama. Yeah, Yeah. Well, i say its the same old face of yours, why go for a hair do? Too expensive for a face surgery? Lame. Pathetic.

Its time to hit some whiskey and cigarettes to chock the night away hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Blinded By Tears

Am I bounded by someone elses shyte life that left behind?

Life is not going smoothly as i wanted it to be. I want an exit in my current life. Shall i hold my breath and fades or shall i scream but it will only bring anger. Though already wounded, shall i let it bleed and suppress by fear...or am i little insane :>

One said when go to war, casualties are expected. Unfortunately, i am the unlucky one wounded with scars. Maybe i should not reminisce the past and live with it. Let anger and sadness be in me. I wish i could say as the saying goes- I came I fought I conquer. But I failed. FAILED.

I know i am scratched and left with a scar or perhaps multiple scars. I detest the feeling. Tear me open perhaps a deeper scar is buried underneath. It aint over yet although the wound is closed and healed. I feel like as if the wound is over the scar and not underneath. Sometimes, I wish i could get lost in the nothingness inside of me.

Have you ever feel gloomy, so out of sense when tension is rising. The unwanted tension that you are forced to received and you'd rather sit at the little dark corner, shut your mouth and do as said because talk is cheap?

Tyring to push me down and break my soul? I say hell you go b*tch.

My Current Angels

If Charlie has three angels, so do I - Towel's angels. LOL. Currently, i am working with three beautifool colleagues of mine in the most happening area - gaydong - this is what one of my angels called it. I must say happiness and freedom is what i get these days as long as i am away from the office. Away from the devil. The devil that screams, yells, and shouts. The devil that is so fierce that she can even grinds the coffee with her teeth and boil the water with her rage. Nowadays, i enjoy getting late to work, taking my sweet time to stretch myself in bed knowingly i am already late.. get to have long breakfast.. get to slut around the mall.. get to eat good food, and hopefully one of these fine day to catch a movie during lunch time...well, my initial plan that is *evil smiles :>* Today i was really blurred at work, not paying attention to anyone, not even client. Who gives a toss. I was in my own world busy surfing the net, facebooking and bloggering. I deserved it. I'd say GET OUT MY WAY.

Battle For An Exit

Well, have i been taught brave because i am afraid to run or even quit. Letting and seeing my life gets shattered each and every day as time goes by. Should i even be angry with life or anger is just natural....what next........grief? then heal? perhaps restoration is impossible then. Really. What is worth fighting for when it is not worth dying for. What is worth working for when it is not worth earning for. Seems like i am suffocating in this breathless corporate world. Am i faithless or conceivably hopeless. I am tired. Tired of all the dramas and tedious work. Tired of the Viking in the office. Tired of living my life in a working suitcase and never really stayed in one place. Will god please answer my prayer, though we are miles apart. I really am exhausted of walking this long road and crossing another and another cold state line. Hopes there is something for me on the barren road and will remain optimistic that the sun keeps a set course in heaven.

RaspberryLove Thanks

Finally!!! The hot black stick lookalike music player is up on my blogpage. I hope ya'all enjoy it together with the songs i got via myflashfetish.com and mixpod.com - thanks to raspberrylove, my hot workmate. Without her, there aint no stick. While my this other workmate who is not so helpful kept laughing about how sisi i am using this blogger and how pathetic my songs are. Gee, thanks alot. Well a big F to you :)

Nothing matters as long as i am happy.

Where Me Playa At?

Call me a bimbo because i am one.
How the hell do i add a fu*ken music player. I have been figuring out for the past 2 hours and failed to HTML one in my layout *pissed & annoyed*

The Unwanted Feeling

Let me scream to begin with...because i am pissed!!!
Workdays are mainly filled with screaming, yelling, scolding and even grunting.
Want us to be jack of all trades master of non?... then STFU >:\